Today my son would have turned 23.
People think I’m strong because I haven’t broken down, because I can talk about my son without crying, because I’m trying to understand life and death.
Am I strong? I’d be the last to know. All I do each day is put one foot in front of the other. I try to find the joy in each day and give as much love as I can to everyone, not just the people I love. I try to focus on what I have and not on what I lost, because I’m alive and I want to live a good and meaningful life.
But it isn’t easy…
This year’s birthday is the second since Nico’s death. The first was tougher, but it’s still hard, especially with Mother’s Day following so soon after. I’m blessed to still have my mom with me, so we do go out to celebrate and that can be hard for me.
What I’ve come to believe is that the my son’s soul and love for me are not dead, it’s just his physical form I have to learn to live without. I have to live without his unique scent, daily hugs, companionship, and sweet disposition.
So that is what death has become to me; letting go of the physical, which is no small thing. I remember feeling sad one night as I tried to fall asleep. I said to myself, “Is this all that’s left from a lifetime of love and memories, an urn filled with your ashes? Were the all struggles and the triumphs meaningless?” A voice in my head came back to me immediately, “That is not me, that was only my vessel. On Earth we experience the soul through the vessel. I am not my vessel.”
Whenever I am missing my son, I feel him telling me, “I’m right here, mom.” After reading many books on the subject, the latest being Love Never Dies by Angela Dawn, I’ve come to believe this is really my son communicating with me, and not just me imagining it because I miss him.
I will talk more about the similar experiences I’ve had to Angela Dawn in later posts in the section “What Really Happens When We Die?” I do highly recommend this book to anyone who has felt like their deceased loved one was speaking to them or sending them signs. This book helped me to trust my instincts and embrace the idea that we can communicate with our loved ones who have passed.
It’s really just about quieting your mind so you can hear them.
Happy Birthday in Heaven Nico.
Thank you Vicki for sharing all this.
It is priceless.
The reference to the rainbow cake reminds us to be aware of all the little things that are most likely our loved ones reaching out to us.
John.
Thank you for your comment. I’m so happy you are enjoying the posts. Please share with whomever you think would be interested. I agree that we need to be open to see the signs from our loved ones. I truly believe they are with us often.