Disclaimer: I am not a health professional and I am not dispensing health advice. This blog is about my personal experiences and opinions.
My grief process differed from what other people seemed to go through. My immediate response was to get books about grieving and loss from the library and try to make sense of my feelings. I read about the stages of grief and what I might expect to go through. I often felt that I was not going through the grief process in the “right” way.
But… is there a “right” way to grieve?
I have learned that the grief process is as individual as you are. In my opinion there is not a “right” way. What’s most important is to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. When you start pushing away uncomfortable feelings or pretend you’re okay when you’re not, then there might be trouble. Of course, if you have suicidal thoughts or are having trouble functioning you should seek the help of a mental health professional.
I am very fortunate to have the guidance of an excellent therapist who had counseled my son for 15 years. I would often tell him that I felt I was not grieving in the right way over the loss of my son. I wasn’t crying much and was somehow able to work and function, although I definitely felt numb and dazed. He explained to me that not everyone goes through all the stages of grief or go through them in a particular order. He stressed that I should not try to force certain feelings (like sadness or crying) and instead let them come up naturally.
Generally, the stages of grief are described as denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross model). Below is a useful link about the stages of grief from a medical viewpoint.
http://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief#1
But not everyone goes through each stage, and it is common to bounce between stages. Triggers like the anniversary date of the death, the deceased’s birthday, or holidays can bring on stages of grief you may have already gone through and thought you had mastered. I’ve come to understand that it’s an ongoing process, and don’t have expectations about what I should be feeling.
For example, I would get upset when my grief would return after a few days or even weeks of feeling very positive and good. It made me feel like my emotions were not under my control. I couldn’t even pinpoint what triggered my grief, which really bothered me.
Now I just accept what comes and try to work through it. I don’t look at it as a setback anymore. Instead of feeling knocked over by unexpected waves of grief, I now try to ride them out. I accept that this may keep happening for the rest of my life.
As I’ve said in a previous post, you don’t “get over,” your grief, it just evolves… hopefully into something less painful.