Songs and Signs

I have always felt a strong connection to music. Frequently, songs come on the radio at meaningful times and it feels like someone is sending me a message or thinking of me.

The day my son died, I had such an experience.

I somehow managed to drive myself to the coroner’s office, which was about 20 minutes away. I was in a state of shock (sometimes I feel like I still am) and everything felt surreal. I remember walking around looking for the coroner’s building, which was part of a huge hospital compound. As I walked around outside, I felt the wind blow so hard that I thought I might fall over. I immediately thought of my son. Was trying to embrace me, or perhaps hold me up?

I finally found the coroner’s office. They were expecting me. I identified my son and my close friend met me to support me. I was still in a daze, not able to fully comprehend that my son was dead. We decided to get something to eat – I realized I hadn’t eaten all day. As I got into my car, a song by the group P.O.D was on the radio. The first thing I heard was the chorus:

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

I guess that was the first time my son tried to get through to me. I remember rolling my eyes and thinking sarcastically, “Very funny, Nico.” It was ridiculously ironic-I had just identified my son’s body at the morgue, and here he was telling me he was “so alive, for the very first time.”

However, I must admit that this made sense. I longed to connect with my son in the hours immediately following his death. When I tried, I got the sense he was so much happier now and relieved from his struggles on earth.

While researching the band for this post, I learned that P.O.D is a Christian rock band (I didn’t know this when I heard the song that day). The letters stand for Payable On Death. According to the band, this refers to the Christian belief that Jesus took on our sins when he died.

Here are the full lyrics.

Was Nico surprised to find his soul lived on? Was that what he was trying to tell me in this song? It seemed like he was saying that he had found a new existence and was happy and free.

The song brought me comfort at a very difficult time, because it felt like my son speaking to me, telling me he was starting a new, beautiful life.