Month: May 2017

Here is an excerpt from the original journal that was very touching. It is from a young man who collects video games. I was looking sell my son’s massive collection to someone who would appreciate them, and T. certainly was that guy! We both kind of felt that Nico facilitated our meeting so his most treasured possessions would find a good home.

Dear Vicki and Nico,

Meeting you and being brought to this place was no accident. I too, suffer from depression and not many people understand what I go through or see me as having a physical ailment. I never knew Nico, but we had more in common than most other people who claim to be the best of friends do. We are closeted, and we hold things inside, but we also know how to escape the harshness of reality. Some people call us nerds. Some people call us geeks. Some people –heck- most people don’t understand us. The truth is, us “nerds” understand each other. I met Vicki simply looking to build upon a passion of mine. A passion I shared with Nico. A passion that really allowed us to be ourselves. Without knowing him, I can only picture Nico as being a creative and inspiring soul who I would have loved to have met in life. Despite the tragedy, this place was another “Fortress of Solitude” for him. A place where he could be himself without worry. I feel something here, something magical. And it will always be here. Nico- I may not have known you, but I am your friend. And Vicki-I am glad to have met you. It was truly an action done by your son. Much love and prayer

-T.

I bought a balloon and some flowers to put at Treehaven. Since there is no grave, this spot is the closest thing to it. I purchased the flowers and balloon at a local supermarket. While I was on line to buy the items, an employee noticed the balloon was a bit under-inflated and told me they could pump it up with more helium in the bakery department.

I had to wait a few minutes for someone to come, I passed the time staring blankly ahead. Despite feeling relatively OK today, I was still in a bit of a haze. While I waited for the woman to re-inflate the balloon, I noticed a cake in the display case right in front of me. The little sign next to the cake said “Rainbow Cake,” it was a white frosted cake with rainbow sprinkles. How sweet <3

Today my son would have turned 23.

People think I’m strong because I haven’t broken down, because I can talk about my son without crying, because I’m trying to understand life and death.

Am I strong? I’d be the last to know. All I do each day is put one foot in front of the other. I try to find the joy in each day and give as much love as I can to everyone, not just the people I love. I try to focus on what I have and not on what I lost, because I’m alive and I want to live a good and meaningful life.

But it isn’t easy…

This year’s birthday is the second since Nico’s death. The first was tougher, but it’s still hard, especially with Mother’s Day following so soon after. I’m blessed to still have my mom with me, so we do go out to celebrate and that can be hard for me.

What I’ve come to believe is that the my son’s soul and love for me are not dead, it’s just his physical form I have to learn to live without. I have to live without his unique scent, daily hugs, companionship, and sweet disposition.

So that is what death has become to me; letting go of the physical, which is no small thing. I remember feeling sad one night as I tried to fall asleep. I said to myself, “Is this all that’s left from a lifetime of love and memories, an urn filled with your ashes?  Were the all struggles and the triumphs meaningless?” A voice in my head came back to me immediately, “That is not me, that was only my vessel. On Earth we experience the soul through the vessel. I am not my vessel.” 

Whenever I am missing my son, I feel him telling me, “I’m right here, mom.” After reading many books on the subject, the latest being Love Never Dies by Angela Dawn, I’ve come to believe this is really my son communicating with me, and not just me imagining it because I miss him.

I will talk more about the similar experiences I’ve had to Angela Dawn in later posts in the section “What Really Happens When We Die?” I do highly recommend this book to anyone who has felt like their deceased loved one was speaking to them or sending them signs. This book helped me to trust my instincts and embrace the idea that we can communicate with our loved ones who have passed.

It’s really just about quieting your mind so you can hear them.