Sometimes I wonder why I did not have a complete mental breakdown when my son died. He was the center of my universe and the most important person in my life. I loved him with all my heart and soul.
Disbelief still reigns supreme. I understand he is physically gone, but it’s difficult to integrate that concept into my life. Sometimes I feel I’ve only scratched the surface of my grief, and I worry that a devastating breakdown is forthcoming.
An image that comes to mind is from Star Wars. I remember a scene from the original movie where we get our first look at the Death Star. The camera starts with and extreme closeup and you’re not really sure what you’re looking at. The camera slowly pulls back to reveal a wide-angle look. After what seems like a few minutes, the Death Star in its entirety is revealed. It’s overwhelming in its enormity.
That’s how I view my grief process. Am I still in the macro phase, where I’m not really sure what I’m looking at? Is the enormity of my grief too overwhelming to perceive when I’m this close to it? Will my grief process be a matter of slowly drawing back to see the immensity of it all?
Or is it the other way around? Am I looking at this huge ball of grief, so paralyzed by its size that I can only go micro, and process little bits at a time?
I encourage you to share your experiences with loss.
You have made an amazing observation here with the macro/micro phase of grief for yourself. I think it’s a sign that you are progressing exactly as you should be with the process of taking in this enormous loss. I have to think that being able to step back and give yourself this kind of room to examine what you are going through, and allow yourself to grieve on your own time table and in your own way has got to be helpful. And writing is cathartic too. All very hard, but very good in a healing way.
Holding you in my heart.
Thanks Kathy! Writing is cathartic and I’m hoping some of my posts will resonate with people. Sort of a place to share as an alternative to group therapy. Thanks for your support and prayers. Love you!