When you lose something important in your life, you not only suffer that loss, but other losses stemming from it.
For example, if you break up with your significant other you may initially feel the loss of their company, but there are other losses too. Future losses. You may lament never growing old together, having children, etc. These losses are called “secondary losses,” and they are part of the grieving process.
Secondary losses can occur not only from the death of a loved one, but from any significant loss. Losing a job, losing your ability to have children, or losing physical function through illness or aging can also trigger secondary losses.
Suicide is a huge thing to deal with. As grief subsides, secondary losses begin to sting. It’s a different kind of pain than the initial loss. It’s less acute and shocking and more like a slow burn. It’s another layer to the grief process, a different shade of grief.
Triggers come out of nowhere… a bumper sticker on a car; “World’s Best Grandma,” hearing friends talk about their kids’ jobs, weddings and grandkids knowing I will never be able to have that conversation. I grieve for the son I will not see grow into a man, marry, or help me when I’m old.
The burn comes up. Not to be.
How peculiar to grieve for something I never had…