I have taken some liberties with that famous phrase from “It’s a Wonderful Life” (“Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”). But in fact, something quite close to this happened recently. But let me start from the beginning…
My day began with the “Out of the Darkness Walk” at Jones Beach. This walk is run by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to help those touched by suicide and raise awareness for those at risk. I discussed this organization in a previous post which can be found here.
As I entered the parking lot, I saw monarch butterflies flying around my car. More fluttered around me as I walked to the staging area. Butterflies remind me of Nico.
I began to walk along the boardwalk and noticed people wearing rainbow shirts (rainbows being Nico’s sign that he is around me). The butterflies continued to fly around, but nobody else seemed to notice until we passed a patch of flowers where at least 100 butterflies where collecting on the vibrant, yellow blossoms. There were up to 10 on each plant and it was then that people began to notice them. (I took a picture.)
I wondered if those butterflies might have been the spirits of loved ones lost to suicide. It was almost as if they were participating in the walk with us, flying alongside their beloved family and friends.
At this point, I’d had enough of the crowd and felt the need to go down near the water. My heart was heavy and I needed the beauty and solace of the ocean to soothe my soul.
After the walk, I had plans to attend a memorial service conducted by Cohen Children’s Hospital. This memorial is for children who have passed while being cared for at the hospital. My friends’ son, Chris, was part of this memorial. Readers may recall that I wrote about Chris, who was a childhood friend of my son’s, in a post entitled “The Boys Are Back in Town.” Link to that post here. Since Nico and Chris made an appearance at Chris’s memorial on the Long Beach boardwalk, I was hoping they might be around for this memorial, too.
They did not disappoint.
My first inkling of Nico’s presence came as I stared at one of the crystal chandeliers. The crystals seemed to blink different rainbow colors- green, blue, orange. I saw small sparkling rainbow colors in the crystals around the room. It made me feel peaceful and comforted to know he was there with me.
After seeing the rainbow colors in the chandeliers, I began to look around for other signs of Nico and Chris. An image flashed of the boys hanging out in the bar area (which was closed, unfortunately). Chris was sitting on top of the bar, with his legs over the the front and Nico was standing behind the bar, leaning forward with his arms folded on the counter.
Nico and Chris watched intently from the bar as parents gave tearful testimonials to the hospital and the doctors who had cared for their children. Some had only survived a few weeks or months before succumbing to cancer or other illnesses. The sorrow was palpable… and heavy.
Suddenly, another image flashed before me. It was Nico swinging from a chandelier!
I immediately felt deeply embarrassed – which was silly because of course nobody else could see what I saw. Nevertheless, I indicated to him that it was not appropriate behavior for such a solemn occasion. He responded that it was “too serious.”
This was a common complaint of Nico’s. When I first got Nico’s urn of ashes, I made a little shrine in my living room with a vase of flowers and a picture I had painted of a peaceful cherry grove. Nico communicated to me that this display was “too serious” and that he didn’t approve. I decided to add some little characters from his favorite video game, “Splatoon,” (pictured below). After this modification, he conveyed his approval.
Kids…
Nico also had expressed this opinion during a special Yom Kippur service I attended with my mom. During the solemn prayer ceremony, which honored lost loved ones, my mom leaned into me and whispered, “Nico isn’t here…Too serious,” she remarked, mimicking Nico’s familiar complaint. In his defense, I will say that because he had autism, Nico often felt uncomfortable with emotional displays of any sort, so I guess that is why he sometimes felt things were too serious.
Anyway, during one part of the Cohen’s memorial ceremony, each child’s name is read, and the parents stand up to receive a flower. Chris’ name was coming up soon, when his dad suddenly realized his brand new belt had broken and couldn’t be fastened! “I just bought this!” he said in exasperation, as he fumbled frantically with the buckle. The timing of this potentially embarrassing event was terrible, and I’m sure Wally (Chris’ dad) was picturing himself standing up to receive the flower, while his pants went south in front of a roomful of people. This situation had the earmarks of Chris’ particular brand of humor, and we all felt that he was pranking his father, as he often did when he was alive.
I guess Chris also thought things were getting too serious, because we all cracked up while Wally desperately tried to fix his belt before Chris’s name was read. Chris’ name was finally called and Wally was able to keep his pants up somehow. It lightened up a very difficult moment and changed the mood entirely. But that wasn’t the only sign we got…
A close family friend was also attending the memorial. At the exact moment Chris’ name was read, she received a text from her friend. She said that her daughter was chosen to be an angel in the school Christmas play. (Hmmm, CHRIStmas play.)
So I guess it’s true, every time a cell phone rings, an angel gets its wings!
I need to backtrack a bit here to set up the next sign (yes, there are more!) Wally had met me at the entrance of the catering hall where the memorial was being held. As we walked to the room where the memorial was, he told me there was a social worker at the the hospital who had helped his family when Chris was ill and he was going to be speaking at the ceremony. He told this gentleman of my loss and asked him to come over to meet me after the ceremony.
During the ceremony Wally, who is a volunteer firefighter, got a call on his firefighter’s radio. He turned the volume down and put it to his ear to listen. When he put the radio down he had a strange look on his face. “That was a call for a fire at the Rainbow Family Center,” he said, dumbfounded, knowing that Nico’s sign was rainbows. He pointed out to me that this call came in as the social worker he wanted me to meet was speaking at the ceremony.
It was quite a day!
Epilogue
Sometimes I work on my blog posts in a notebook, whenever I have a little free time. I currently work in an elementary school and while the children eat lunch I sometimes have an opportunity to write. As I was working on this very post, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” began playing over the speakers in the school lunchroom. What made it special, and a clear sign from my son, was that it was the same acoustic version played at Chris’ memorial ceremony on the Long Beach boardwalk . I had never heard that song played in the lunchroom before (they usually play instrumental music).
I thought, “I guess Chris and Nico are here with me right now. Love you, boys!” (And I get a flash of Nico and Chris fist bumping because I get it.)
<3