The Double Whammy

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a “double whammy” is “a combination of two usually adverse forces, circumstances, or effects,” according to Merriam-Webster.

For me, May is the month of the double whammy.

The first occurs on May 3rd, my son’s birthday. For many people, the birthday of a loved one who has passed is a powerful trigger for renewed grief, and I’m no exception. Secondary losses abound (read post about secondary losses here). What would he be like today? What could he have accomplished?  I think of past birthdays, especially when he was little…the bowling parties, homemade layer cakes decorated with toy trains, his 21st birthday, when he asked me to take him to the liquor store because he was “legal” and wanted to buy alcohol. His choices? Sangria and cinnamon whiskey. Sweet, candy choices, as if he were still a child.

Only days after his birthday, the worst whammy comes; Mother’s Day. I have written previous posts (read here), about how difficult Mother’s Day is, and why. It hasn’t gotten easier. Last year (my second Mother’s Day without Nico) I was so miserable that I decided I just couldn’t celebrate Mother’s Day in a restaurant with my mom. It was just too painful, too hard. I’m grateful she understood. We will make a new Mother’s Day tradition and celebrate the night before. 

I have well-meaning friends who make Mother’s Day worse by wishing me a “Happy Mother’s Day.” This usually occurs on Facebook, in the form of writing on my wall. I think they are trying to comfort me by reaffirming my status as a mom, which was thrown into question when my only child died. I guess they don’t want me to feel “robbed” of my motherhood status because I no longer have a child. But the simple truth is, I will never have a happy Mother’s Day.

Ever.

I actually deactivated my Facebook account to avoid seeing the numerous Mother’s Day posts and to eliminate the possibility of friends writing on my wall. It’s a small way I can sort of control the uncontrollable fact that Mother’s Day is coming.

The calendar is really cruel to people who have lost loved ones. Every year the trigger days come; Mother’s Day, birthday, anniversary of death. The days just come at you, like a hail of bullets, or maybe more like a catapult from medieval times. Here it comes, a giant boulder, heading directly for you in slow motion. You’ve got days and weeks before the trigger day to dread it, ignore it, and figure out how you’re going to deal with it or hide from it. You can’t avoid it, it’s coming at you, ready or not. The calendar doesn’t care about your current state of mind or circumstances in life, which may make trigger days worse, (a breakup, sick relative, job loss, etc.), it just lumbers on toward you, like a giant cyclops wielding a primitive club, eager to knock you to the ground with another blow of grief and despair. 

He gets to hit me twice in May, that over-achieving cyclops…

So what can I do? I try to avoid Mother’s Day, but it really is impossible to. At least I will be working on that day and hopefully will not encounter too many families celebrating Mother’s Day. I’m hoping that keeping busy will make the day go faster and get me out of my “double whammy” funk sooner.

Then, all I have to do is get through the rest of my life without my beautiful boy…