Have you ever seen this meme on FaceBook? “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” My blood boils when I see this or similar statements. Clinical depression is not a temporary problem! 

There is a huge difference between clinical depression and a “sad mood.” Clinical depression is not something you can “snap out of.” It is not cured by chocolate cake, sex, or a shopping spree. It is a persistent medical condition, with a set of pervasive, overwhelming symptoms.  Most experts agree clinical depression is due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Some people with depression choose to end their lives because they feel trapped and see no other way to escape their pain. 

Like my son, I am afflicted with clinical depression. During a recent, acute episode, I had an epiphany about Nico. I realized  how much pain he must have been in due to his clinical depression. Despite  medical treatment, it caused him to take his own life.

I wanted to write about how depression feels, partly as therapy, but also so  others can better understand what it feels like.  I can only write about my own experience, but from what I’ve read, many people with clinical depression have similar feelings and sensations.

What it’s like…

My friend once asked me what depression felt like. I struggled to describe it in a non-depressed state. But as depression grips me now, I can.

Suffocation, desolation, utter hopelessness. A crushing pain, a sense of impending doom, like nothing will ever be okay again…ever.

Trapped in a vacuum of despair, stealing my breath, paralyzing me. It poisons me from the inside and crushes me from the outside. I feel hollow, like my guts have been scooped out.

Heaviness. As if I am saddled with a 1,000 pound weight. It stops me from attempting even the simplest of things. When I gather the will to try, I’m filled with the sensation of something holding me back. There’s a feeling of helplessness, then anxiety, like being stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, with no ability to escape. Just thinking about trying can feel exhausting. 

I’m stuck in this awful place and I’m scared the feelings will never stop. 

That’s what it’s like to have clinical depression.

I know Nico was feeling this and I didn’t realize how bad it was. He was unable to articulate what he was feeling, so I believe he felt alone, and hopeless about breaking out of his depressed state.

It breaks my heart that I couldn’t help him, but perhaps this post will help someone else realize they are not alone, and seek help.

Start here! https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 

Or..You can talk to them by chat! https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

Or..Call: 1-800-273-8255

Note:  I am fortunate enough to have an excellent therapist, so I will be okay. But I felt it was important to show what it feels like, for me anyway, to be in the depths of despair to help people understand why suicide happens.