Many of us remember an anti-drug commercial from the 1980’s where an egg is dropped into a hot frying pan. The simple message was that drugs fry your brain.
Well I’m here to tell you, so does grief.
For several months after my son passed, I was in a fog. I felt like my body and mind were separate from each other. It was extraordinarily difficult to focus on anything and every day I secretly thanked the universe for a job where I could frequently space out and nobody was the wiser.
Even after the initial, extreme shock of my son’s death subsided, I still felt different. I was able to function a bit better, with one notable exception; I had become a scatterbrain! My memory failed me much more than before. I missed appointments, forgot where I was driving to mid-route, and frequently lost things – my wallet, my keys, even my car at the supermarket (where did I park?). My concentration was poor. I began to identify with all those ADD kids I used to teach. It was such a struggle to begin or stick with the simplest of tasks.
I remarked to my friends that I couldn’t believe how bubble-headed I had become! I was easily overwhelmed by everyday tasks and so forgetful it seriously interfered with my daily functioning. My friends (who had also recently lost their son) related that they felt the same way and believed it was part of their grief response.
So I decided to do some research to see if “Grief Brain” was a real or perceived thing. I mean, there’s such a thing as “Baby Brain,” where pregnant women experience memory loss and problems with concentration. This is supported by a recent study that appeared in the Medical Journal of Australia. Link to the article here.
Before I get into my findings, I’ll give you an idea of how the brain works. At any given time, our brain has only so many resources available. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that doing many things at the same time takes more brain power than doing just one thing at a time. Our brain has a finite amount of resources and each task takes up some of those resources. When the task is finished the resources become available again.
So let’s use an analogy. Let’s say that your brain is a gumball machine with 100 gumballs. Each thought process or task uses some gumballs. You may be engaged in a single, simple task, using only a few gumballs, or you may be multitasking, using many more. Either way, each thought process leaves fewer gumballs for other tasks, even mundane ones like food shopping, driving or watching TV.
What I found out is that grief takes up an enormous amount of your brain’s resources. Gumballs galore! This leaves your brain with many fewer “gumballs” to handle everyday tasks. These tasks can easily become overwhelming because your brain’s major project is processing your loss. I would venture to guess that the deeper the loss, the harder it is for the brain to process and therefore more resources are used.
This extended conclusion is purely conjecture on my part, since I could find no studies on this subject. I would also guess that the more complicated your life is (i.e. stressful job, kids, etc.) the more brain resources it takes just to get through your day.
So my scatterbrained behavior was the result of my brain working hard to process my grief. Some articles I read tried to measure the period of time it takes for the brain to adjust and need significantly fewer resources to process grief. 2-5 years is the number I saw, but I take this with the largest grain of salt, we’re talking big crystals of Himalayan pink salt here!
Why? For one thing, everyone’s grief process is unique and it is usually not a linear progression (meaning a steady progression toward recovery as opposed to the erratic nature of most recoveries, where there periods of progress, then some backsliding) .
Another reason is that grief is a hard thing to measure. Psychologists try to create scales that measure a person’s grief level, but really, how can one accurately measure something like grief? It’s like trying to grab a puff of smoke. In my opinion, grief cannot be quantified in a meaningful way.
So, the take-home message here is that grief can mess with your brain big time! The good news is that once your brain adjusts to the loss, it can use fewer resources to process it. Theoretically, that leaves more resources for other tasks which translates into better cognitive functioning, eventually.
I lost my son about two years ago, and although my brain has recovered a lot, I still have days where I’m really off. I’m often overwhelmed by things I used to handle with ease before my loss. I try to remain patient and let my body do its work to recover.
So, be patient with yourself and remember that grief affects your entire being, including your brain.
