Sometimes I wonder why I did not have a complete mental breakdown when my son died. He was the center of my universe and the most important person in my life. I loved him with all my heart and soul.
Disbelief still reigns supreme. I understand he is physically gone, but it’s difficult to integrate that concept into my life. Sometimes I feel I’ve only scratched the surface of my grief, and I worry that a devastating breakdown is forthcoming.
An image that comes to mind is from Star Wars. I remember a scene from the original movie where we get our first look at the Death Star. The camera starts with and extreme closeup and you’re not really sure what you’re looking at. The camera slowly pulls back to reveal a wide-angle look. After what seems like a few minutes, the Death Star in its entirety is revealed. It’s overwhelming in its enormity.
That’s how I view my grief process. Am I still in the macro phase, where I’m not really sure what I’m looking at? Is the enormity of my grief too overwhelming to perceive when I’m this close to it? Will my grief process be a matter of slowly drawing back to see the immensity of it all?
Or is it the other way around? Am I looking at this huge ball of grief, so paralyzed by its size that I can only go micro, and process little bits at a time?
I encourage you to share your experiences with loss.
This card is from the Campaign to Change Direction Organization. Although it is somewhat oversimplified, it describes five signs that could indicate a person is in emotional distress and may need help.
In case you can’t read them, the five signs are:
Not feeling like yourself (personality change)
Feeling agitated
Feeling withdrawn
Not caring for yourself
Feeling helpless
I have quoted from the Campaign to Change Direction website to help raise awareness of mental health issues and what you can do to help.
“The goal of the Campaign to Change Direction is to change the culture of mental health in America so that all of those in need receive the care and support they deserve. The Campaign encourages all Americans to pay attention to their emotional well-being – and it reminds us that our emotional well-being is just as important as our physical well-being.”
“If You Recognize That Someone In Your Life Is Suffering, Now What?
You connect, you reach out, you inspire hope,and you offer help. Show compassion and caring and a willingness to find a solution when the person may not have the will or drive to help him- or herself. There are many resources in our communities. It may take more than one offer, and you may need to reach out to others who share your concern about the person who is suffering. If everyone is more open and honest about mental health, we can prevent pain and suffering, and those in need will get the help they deserve.”
I have always felt a strong connection to music. Frequently, songs come on the radio at meaningful times and it feels like someone is sending me a message or thinking of me.
The day my son died, I had such an experience.
I somehow managed to drive myself to the coroner’s office, which was about 20 minutes away. I was in a state of shock (sometimes I feel like I still am) and everything felt surreal. I remember walking around looking for the coroner’s building, which was part of a huge hospital compound. As I walked around outside, I felt the wind blow so hard that I thought I might fall over. I immediately thought of my son. Was trying to embrace me, or perhaps hold me up?
I finally found the coroner’s office. They were expecting me. I identified my son and my close friend met me to support me. I was still in a daze, not able to fully comprehend that my son was dead. We decided to get something to eat – I realized I hadn’t eaten all day. As I got into my car, a song by the group P.O.D was on the radio. The first thing I heard was the chorus:
I feel so alive for the very first time I can’t deny you I feel so alive I feel so alive for the very first time And I think I can fly
I guess that was the first time my son tried to get through to me. I remember rolling my eyes and thinking sarcastically, “Very funny, Nico.” It was ridiculously ironic-I had just identified my son’s body at the morgue, and here he was telling me he was “so alive, for the very first time.”
However, I must admit that this made sense. I longed to connect with my son in the hours immediately following his death. When I tried, I got the sense he was so much happier now and relieved from his struggles on earth.
While researching the band for this post, I learned that P.O.D is a Christian rock band (I didn’t know this when I heard the song that day). The letters stand for Payable On Death. According to the band, this refers to the Christian belief that Jesus took on our sins when he died.
Everyday is a new day I’m thankful for every breath I take I won’t take it for granted So I learn from my mistakes
It’s beyond my control, sometimes it’s best to let go Whatever happens in this lifetime So I trust in love You have given me peace of mind
I feel so alive for the very first time I can’t deny you I feel so alive I feel so alive for the very first time And I think I can fly
Sunshine upon my face A new song for me to sing Tell the world how I feel inside Even though it might cost me everything
Now that I know this, so beyond, I can’t hold this I can never turn my back away Now that I’ve seen you I can never look away
I feel so alive for the very first time I can’t deny you I feel so alive I feel so alive for the very first time And I think I can fly
Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away) Now that I see you (I could never look away) Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away) Now that I see you (I believe no matter what they say)
I feel so alive for the very first time I can’t deny you I feel so alive I feel so alive for the very first time And I think I can fly
I feel so alive for the very first time I can’t deny you I feel so alive I feel so alive for the very first time And I think I can fly
Songwriters: Marcos Curiel / Mark Daniels / Noah Bernardo / Paul Sandoval
Was Nico surprised to find his soul lived on? Was that what he was trying to tell me in this song? It seemed like he was saying that he had found a new existence and was happy and free.
The song brought me comfort at a very difficult time, because it felt like my son speaking to me, telling me he was starting a new, beautiful life.
Sometimes I’m fortunate enough to have a conversation with my son. I ask him questions and he answers so quickly that I know the responses are not coming from me.
Recently, I was “talking” to him and doubt crept in. “Is it really you, are we really talking?” These doubts always frustrate my son. He doesn’t understand why I have trouble believing it’s really him. I said, “It’s not the same as when you existed on earth, I could hug you, see you, smell you. This feels so unsatisfying sometimes, because I’m not really sure you’re there the way I could be when you were in your physical form.”
He replied, a bit exasperated, “So you only believe what you can perceive with your five senses? Because you can’t touch me or see me I’m not here? Well, then I guess you don’t believe in air or electricity, because these can’t be seen or touched either.”
I get the point. I realize he is in an entirely different realm and it’s logical that my five senses are useless in perceiving him as he is now. After all, my five senses go with my physical form, so why would they help me sense something non-physical, and purely spiritual? In my physical form I’ve learned to negotiate my world by using these senses. The feedback from them tells me what’s real and what’s not-at least in the physical world.
But now that my son is in spirit, I need to use different senses to perceive him. I need to connect with my son mentally, through meditation. The bond we developed on earth is what allows us to communicate with each other spiritually. Being in a meditative state allows me to quiet my own thoughts so my son can come through.
Mother’s Day 2016(click here for post) changed my entire paradigm about life and death. On that day I realized that death is not the ending we think it is. People don’t just stop existing, the soul/spirit lives on. I can’t say I know what happens when we die, all I can tell you is that I know my son exists in some form, somewhere. Right now, I guess it’s not important for me to understand how this can be, I just need to fully embrace that it is true.
Rumi was a poet and spiritual leader born in 1207 in Afghanistan. He is known for his insightful poetry about life, death and love. If you’d like to read more about him, here is a good link:
Disclaimer: I am not a health professional and I am not dispensing health advice. This blog is about my personal experiences and opinions.
My grief process differed from what other people seemed to go through. My immediate response was to get books about grieving and loss from the library and try to make sense of my feelings. I read about the stages of grief and what I might expect to go through. I often felt that I was not going through the grief process in the “right” way.
But… is there a “right” way to grieve?
I have learned that the grief process is as individual as you are. In my opinion there is not a “right” way. What’s most important is to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. When you start pushing away uncomfortable feelings or pretend you’re okay when you’re not, then there might be trouble. Of course, if you have suicidal thoughts or are having trouble functioning you should seek the help of a mental health professional.
I am very fortunate to have the guidance of an excellent therapist who had counseled my son for 15 years. I would often tell him that I felt I was not grieving in the right way over the loss of my son. I wasn’t crying much and was somehow able to work and function, although I definitely felt numb and dazed. He explained to me that not everyone goes through all the stages of grief or go through them in a particular order. He stressed that I should not try to force certain feelings (like sadness or crying) and instead let them come up naturally.
Generally, the stages of grief are described as denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross model). Below is a useful link about the stages of grief from a medical viewpoint.
But not everyone goes through each stage, and it is common to bounce between stages. Triggers like the anniversary date of the death, the deceased’s birthday, or holidays can bring on stages of grief you may have already gone through and thought you had mastered. I’ve come to understand that it’s an ongoing process, and don’t have expectations about what I should be feeling.
For example, I would get upset when my grief would return after a few days or even weeks of feeling very positive and good. It made me feel like my emotions were not under my control. I couldn’t even pinpoint what triggered my grief, which really bothered me.
Now I just accept what comes and try to work through it. I don’t look at it as a setback anymore. Instead of feeling knocked over by unexpected waves of grief, I now try to ride them out. I accept that this may keep happening for the rest of my life.
As I’ve said in a previous post, you don’t “get over,” your grief, it just evolves… hopefully into something less painful.
When you have survived the worst thing that could happen in your life, (and for me, that was my son’s suicide) there is a kind of freedom about the other problems in your life. I just don’t worry about things the way I used to. I’m not saying I don’t care, but when I find myself getting stressed about money, a relationship, family stuff, etc. it’s much easier to let it go now. As the famous saying goes, what will be, will be.
It’s a sad kind of freedom, because everything else seems almost trivial in comparison to losing my son. But at the same time, there is empowerment. I think to myself, “I’m getting through the worst thing that has ever happened in my life…this is nothing compared to that. It will work out.” I don’t waste time with “what-ifs” or ruminate on things the way I used to.
Another unexpected outcome from my son’s suicide is that I have a new reverence for life. I see the beauty in simple things and treasure the love of my wonderful friends and family. Even a smile from a stranger or a tail-waging dog can make me feel great.
I’ve also learned to be grateful for all the things in my life that are good, and there are a lot of them. Having a sense of gratitude is so important and my son’s passing just made that so much more clear. I know some people feel that I could never be happy again but that is not true. I will always have a sense of loss, but not necessarily sadness all the time. Being grateful every day is a great weapon against sadness.
Writing this post reminded me of an article I read about Sheryl Sandberg, the second-in-command at Facebook, who wrote a book about the grief process after suddenly losing her husband.
This one is next on my reading list!
One of the things Sandberg says is that your life doesn’t have to be wall-to-wall sadness after a tragic loss. You can have happy days, find love and live a good life. Of course there are also bad days, crying and questions that will never be answered. Welcome to the grief process. It’s like that. You don’t “get over it,” it just evolves, hopefully into something less painful.
In conclusion, I guess what I’m trying to say is that part of the recovery process for me was to realize that, yes, this loss changed my life for the worse… but also, unexpectedly, for the better in some very important ways.
I encourage you to post comments about your grief process. Did some things change for the better after your loss? If you’d rather contact me privately email me: v620@optonline.net
Part 1 was kind of lengthy so I’ll keep it brief today.
One thing I wanted to mention is that Ms. Dawn had a religious (Christian) upbringing and education, and sometimes her spiritual advisors bring Christianity into their description of the spirit world.
For example, she was told that everyone in heaven is 33, because Jesus died at 33. Therefore, younger people grow up to 33, and older people reverse age and go down to 33. I feel this is really the author’s Christian view coming through and I’m not sure I buy into it. Let’s face it, nobody knows everything. I just take in what makes sense or resonates with me and leave the rest.
I wanted to compare some of the things Angela Dawn has experienced to my own experiences. It’s always gratifying to find someone else who has experienced the same things I have. It helps me form a clearer picture of the spirit world and allows me to trust my gut feelings more often.
I’m going to quote a few passages and then relate them to my own experiences.
Quote: “Yes, mum is here, mum is always here!” (Note, the author is British. Mum is mom.)
My Experience: I often say to myself, “I miss you, Nico,” and immediately I hear his voice saying “I’m right here, mom.”
Quote: (Author speaking about receiving communications from the spirit world) “If people want to call it my imagination that’s fine with me, but I never had such a great imagination. I had never been so inspired to write and never been able to write so philosophically.”
My Experience: I often doubted myself when I did inspired writing. I had done it even before my son died and felt I’d received guidance. It was clear to me the thoughts I was receiving were not my own. I even once connected with my boyfriend’s father, who was deceased. I have written “reply” letters from my son that included things I would never have thought of.
Quote: “When we are closer to earth, we take on the shape of our human form that we once had. Spirit is just a ball of energy…we take on many shapes depending on the level of vibration. We only need to take human form when we are dealing and communicating with humans.”
My Experience: At one point my son told me he was pure energy, and no longer in his human form. Because of this, I was puzzled when I visited a medium and he was speaking about Nico like he was in human form. He would say Nico was sitting next to me, he knew he was a young man (as opposed to a child or an older adult). After reading this passage it all made more sense.
Quote: “Everything is energy.” The author speaks about psychometry exercises, where an object takes on the energy of the person who was holding it.
My Experience: When I first came upon the site where my son died, it was a very emotional experience. I (thankfully) did not see him there, but there were some items from our home about the area. I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I felt compelled to put my arms around the tree, since it was the last thing he touched (or maybe I just needed a hug). I felt profound sadness, almost as if the tree was an unwilling participant.
I know that trees don’t have human qualities, but I most definitely sensed a sadness coming from something other than myself. Could it have been psychometric energy from my son transferred to the tree?
In this picture, I wondered if the stool took on the energy from my son. This photo was taken the day after he died. The stool is in the same place as when he died. When I saw it, I laid my belly and chest across the top, bent over and embraced the stool. I stayed like that for a while. It brought me comfort.
Treehaven. The site where my son took his life. I realize this is sunlight, but it is illuminating something that looks like my son looking over a wing.
I hope I gave you some insight into the book. It is available at Amazon in digital and book.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve read several books about life after death. I find the subject fascinating and enjoy comparing the experiences of the author’s to my own.
Angela Dawn’s book is about her spiritual journey which was guided by her mother, sister, and others in the spirit world. They urge her to write a book so that all on earth can understand more about the spirit world and their soul’s journey on earth.
The author communicates with the spirit world through, “inspired writing.” She calls this a form of “Mental Mediumship,” and it involves entering a state of meditation and receiving messages from loved ones or spirit guides. Ms. Dawn would then write as the spirit spoke. It’s important to note that the author is not a medium, just a regular Jane Doe.
The author believes that part of our souls remain in the spirit world while the other part remains with us on earth. We can live a more complete and meaningful life by connecting to the part of our soul in the spirit world through meditation.
The spirit guides say that we choose our lives on earth from the spirit world, then incarnate as humans to learn our lessons on earth and evolve our souls to a higher level. According to the guides, not everything can be learned in the spirit world and soul development happens faster on earth, especially if we undergo hardships and loss. We may intentionally choose a life of hardship in order to learn important lessons necessary to develop the soul.
If that’s true, I’m gonna be one heck of an evolved soul!
The overall message from the spirit world is that we are here to be as loving and kind to each other as we can. This is why we are put on earth, and if we are successful at it, our souls will evolve to a higher level.
Many of the experiences Ms. Dawn writes about in the book I’ve experienced myself. The book made me much more comfortable with the idea that my son was communicating with me somehow. I don’t really care if people think I’m imagining it, I believe it’s for real. I hear his voice in my head often, whether he is giving advice or making jokes.
To communicate with my son, I often use a method described in a book called “Growing Up in Heaven,” by James Van Praagh, a famous medium. One chapter, entitled, “Letters from Heaven,” discusses how our loved ones who have passed are very much alive in the spirit world. Van Praagh encourages people who have lost a loved one to write a letter to the person, then set up a date to receive a reply.
When the reply date comes around, the person briefly meditates to clear their mind, listens for the reply… and writes what they hear. Van Praagh encourages the writer to just “go with it,” and write whatever comes to mind. It is very similar to the “inspired writing” approach that Angela Dawn speaks about. His experience with clients has been that the results are quite accurate. He gives several examples of letters and replies in his book.
I have used this method to communicate with my son with a good degree of success. Although sometimes it seems like my thoughts are coming through as well, I’ve definitely received messages that were new information and went deeper than my thoughts could have. For example, when my son told me the ashes in the urn were not him, just his vessel, and that he was not his vessel (meaning he was his soul not his body). I would never have had those thoughts at that time and they were more profound than my own.
Part 2 is coming tomorrow. I will run down some highlights of the book and connect them with my own experiences.
I wanted to share an excellent resource; the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They have a great website and activities, including an “Out of the Darkness Walk” at Jones Beach in October, and “Survivor Day” around Thanksgiving.
I’m not really a “group” anything kind of person. I have no interest in joining a support group, however I did participate (reluctantly) in the “Out of the Darkness Walk” last year and it was a good experience. I met some wonderful people and felt like I was honoring my son’s memory. It was also an eye-opening experience to see how many people were affected by suicide. It helped me to feel less alone and isolated, without having to interact with anyone directly (although I did).
Participants were encouraged to wear different colored bead necklaces (which were supplied) to represent your relationship to the person who committed suicide (red for a friend, green for a child, etc.). It was a good idea, because without saying a word, you knew if someone had lost a spouse, child, etc. and it provided an easy way to connect with people. I know it made me more comfortable about talking to others on the walk.
Another worthwhile event was “Survivor Day.” This event included seminars about the grief process and a group sharing session based on your relationship to the deceased. I have to say it was difficult for me to relate to the other mothers in the group, I was going through a very different grief process from them. There was one woman I connected with who seemed to be of the same mindset as me, but mostly it just confirmed that I wouldn’t be interested in participating in a support group. Still, Survivor Day was an experience that helped me to progress through the grief process.
I highly recommend the organization, and the site is full of helpful information and resources.
