This post is a bit longer than usual. It’s about deaths that are stigmatized versus deaths that are not. This represents my view on things and I invite comments whether you agree, disagree or want to share your own experience.
Consider the following situations:
A firefighter with a young family dies in the line of duty.
A child, 5-years-old dies of cancer.
A 96-year-old grandmother dies of natural causes.
A 56-year-old smoker with a family dies of lung cancer.
A teenager commits suicide.
Does society treat each death in the same way? Are the emotions associated with each death similar or very different? Do the people who’ve suffered the loss feel any more or less grief because of the manner in which their loved on died, or as a result of how people respond to the death?
Recently a NYC firefighter died in the line of duty, leaving behind a wife and young daughter. It was very tragic. Huge numbers of firefighters turned out for the wake and funeral and the death was covered in the newspaper for several days. There was a huge outpouring of support and sympathy from the community as well.
Please don’t misunderstand me here, I understand this person was a hero and died trying to help others. I get why the response was so huge and I think it’s wonderful.
In comparison, the 56-year-old smoker would not get the same fanfare, and there is even some stigma that he “brought it on himself” because he chose to smoke. But there is still a grieving family here. Is their grief any less valid than the firefighter’s family?
What about the death of the 96-year-old grandmother? There certainly is deep sadness, the person is loved and will be missed, but we tend to accept this death more readily. There is no stigma or shock-we expect people this old to die. We say things like, “They lived a long life” or “It was their time to go.” There is no stigma, no blame, no sense of outrage or unfairness.
A child dying of cancer is truly tragic. However, there is not the same stigma as the smoker, because the child is an innocent victim. The death of any child is tragic and unexpected. Therefore, the grief factor is huge. There is often an initial outpouring of support and sympathy, but sometimes people turn away shortly after. I think this is because it is too painful and awkward for people to continue to deal with the grieving family. After the initial words of sympathy and support, many people come up empty and would rather just avoid the situation and the family. You can imagine how this would affect the grieving family, making them feel an additional sense of loss (their friends) while they work through the stages of grief.
How does a teenager who committed suicide compare to these other deaths? For one thing, there is a huge stigma. As with the child who dies from cancer, there is that initial support, then often, avoidance and denial. Is the sympathy diminished because this person chose to end his life rather than being a victim of a disease or accident? In the case of suicide, my personal experience has been that some people won’t acknowledge the death at all, and treat the grieving family as pariahs. Why? Is it fear? Discomfort with the idea of suicide? Does it remind them of their own mortality? Do they think it’s contagious?
It’s very painful for the person who has suffered the loss. It just adds to the feelings of isolation, despair, and sometimes anger. For example, a former coworker, whose daughter was a close friend of my son’s at one time, didn’t even acknowledge the death and nor did her daughter. No card or phone call…nothing. This made me angry and I felt like my son’s death didn’t matter because it was a suicide. All they had to do is say “Sorry for your loss.” A coworker with whom I shared the story of my son was initially very sympathetic. She now pretends not to see me, even when I say hello. It’s weird and depressing.
I know suicide is a scary and shocking thing. Believe me, nobody knows that better than me. If it sounds like I have expectations for peoples’ response to my son’s death, I do. They are very simple: acknowledge the loss and my grief. That’s it. “Sorry for your loss,” “I’m sorry you are going through this.” Pretty simple, right? I am blessed to have family and friends who understand this and continue to check in with me a year and a half after my loss. My son’s death is not a taboo subject.
Just to be clear, the point of this post is that no matter how the loss occurred, there is grief and pain that needs to be acknowledged and when there is a stigma attached to the loss, it can interfere with that.
Nico and I lived with my parents since he was a baby. His father chose not to be a part of his life, so in many ways, my father (Nico’s grandpa) was like a father to him. We lived with my parents until Nico died, so he influenced him his entire life.
