What Really Happens When We Die? – Journal in the Woods

Love Never Dies

Before I lost Nico, I thought signs were something people imagined because they missed their loved ones so much. I thought they read into things, and made something out of nothing.

After the loss, my thinking changed completely, after receiving some very clear signs from my son. Although he had sent me signs on my dad’s birthday (in March, 3 months after Nico died, read post here) the sign he sent on my first Mother’s Day without him was shocking and confusing (read post here). I felt so many different emotions; relief, love, hope, even a little fear. I suddenly felt between the worlds-the living and the “dead.” I saw a place where both existed together, and it threw me into chaos. “You’re still here, somehow? You’re dead but you can communicate with me?”

It made letting go messy instead of neat. It would have been simpler if I just had to accept he was gone and I would never see him again. I had to rethink what death meant and it took me quite a while to come to a peaceful place about it. I still have many more questions than answers, but the bottom line is I can and do communicate with my son.

Often.

His signs have become less frequent over the years, but they never cease to impress and comfort me. Often, a sign will come when I’m not even thinking about him…and yet there it is, right in my face… something so significant that I couldn’t possibly deny that it is coming from Nico. I feel it in my body, know it in my soul. Intuition tells me that it is real and not just wishful thinking or coincidence.

Sometimes it feels as though he’s jumping up and down, waving his hands in the air, trying so very hard to get through to me – almost shouting, “I’m here, you’re not alone, I love you!”

From what I’ve read about the “other side”, our loved ones are not far away at all. In fact, many assert that they are right here next to us, just in a different form and different dimension.

I know my son comes through to me because we miss each other so much. He wants me to know that he didn’t go away, he just changed. It sounds so simple, but it’s very hard to embrace that change. That is the challenge I face every day.

But of one thing I am sure; love never dies, and that is what his signs are all about. The bonds of love transcend death, no question.

Divine Therapeutic Intervention

Around this time last year I treated myself to a BOGO deal at Hand and Stone and got two massages for the price of one. I used the first one right away, but held on to the second until today, since massages are something of a luxury for me.

I called on Thursday to book a massage for Friday, but when I arrived, there was no record of my appointment. Of course, I was both disappointed and annoyed. I was looking forward to (and desperately needed) a good massage, it was a bright spot in an otherwise bleak existence lately. They offered up the next available appointment, which was 1:00 on Sunday. I graciously accepted it, my disappointment tempered by the free upgrade on my massage…score!

I arrived on Sunday and met my massage therapist, a lovely young woman named Johanna. I had no idea we were about to share a most extraordinary spiritual journey that neither of us expected, but both of us needed so very much.

I’m usually pretty quiet during a massage. I like to focus on the tranquility of the experience and talking usually interferes with that. However, once Johanna noticed my tattoo, a conversation started. She was quite taken with it, and kept looking at it, searching for words to describe how it made her feel, but all she could really say was, “Wow,” and, “It’s so beautiful.” This kind of surprised me, because although I often get complements on my tattoo (pictured here) it’s pretty simple and not especially unique. My tattoo artist (Timmy of Timmy’s Tattoo in Huntington, NY) did do an excellent job capturing the gentleness and freedom of the birds in flight. It’s body art I wear proudly.

Got Ink?

She went on to say that as a massage therapist, she sees many tattoos but this one was so special. Still, she couldn’t quite articulate just why she loved it. I felt compelled to explain its significance. I explained that I had lost my only son to suicide and that I got this tattoo on the second anniversary of the loss. It helps me remember that he is always with me, and is free and happy now. The swallows are a symbol of faith and return home. I told Johanna I’d recently realized that the birds are flying directly toward my heart. My son lives there always.

For me, the tattoo is a piece of Nico that I can hold on to, kind of a snapshot of his soaring spirit. I needed something tangible because the toughest part of his death was losing the (physical) person. I’ve come to the understanding that it was Nico’s soul that I loved, I just came to know it through his body.

Johanna, of course, expressed her condolences, and almost immediately shared that she had recently suffered a crushing loss, a miscarriage. Perhaps that’s why the tattoo intrigued her, perhaps she somehow sensed its significance. I told her I was so sorry for her loss, and that people don’t understand how devastating a miscarriage is. You have lost a child, but people tend to brush it off as a less legitimate death than a full term child. The loss is huge, and made worse by people who minimize it. The grief is complicated by the loss of the child’s future, and all the things she will never experience. These are “secondary losses” and a very difficult part of the grieving process. (See posts 50 Shades of Grief, The Stigma of Suicide).

Johanna had indeed experienced these things and it was hard, but she was trying to move through it. I told her about my blog, and how I try to use my experiences to help others. I shared what I’ve learned about riding the waves of grief and not beating myself up when I feel better then feel intense grief again. Grief is a shape-shifter, changing with the ebb and flow of one’s life. It never completely goes away, but time does make the pain different, less crippling. For more on these ideas see these posts: My Constant Companion, Is There a Right Way to Grieve?

Johanna and I talked about how uncomfortable loss makes people, especially suicide and miscarriages. They tend to brush aside your loss awkwardly or insensitively because they just don’t know how to deal with it, making the grief process even harder. We vented about how frustrating and hurtful it was. It felt good to talk to someone who understood how I felt. (See post The Stigma of Suicide)

I shared many of my “Nico Stories” with Johanna. Stories of how Nico shows up and sends signs and communications not only to me, but family, friends, and even strangers who’ve heard the stories. Nico makes his presence known… He gets around! Johanna was truly touched by the stories and I believe they brought her some comfort, I hope so. (Posts here, and here on Nico’s signs).

We talked and talked while she gave me the most awesome massage, time flew by and she remarked that she felt uplifted by our conversation, “I feel like I’m the one getting a massage!” she joked. There was a great spiritual connection between us, one that I’m certain her lost child and mine conspired to create…

Johanna felt it was a sign that we met today because she does not usually work Sundays. When I told her that I only got this appointment because my booking on Friday had mysteriously disappeared, we both got chills and cried a bit. We knew there were other forces at work today. Forces of loved ones trying to comfort us.

And as if that weren’t enough, Johanna said that when she saw my name, she felt it was a sign. She began to say with sadness, “You see, Victoria was…” I was overcome with emotion and interrupted her, “Oh! You lost a little girl! You were going to name her…” “Victoria,” she finished. We cried and clasped hands.

It was so beautiful to connect with a stranger like that. I know our loved ones who had passed brought us together so we weren’t alone in our grief. Feeling alone and isolated is such a huge part of the sadness, something I didn’t realize until now… But we weren’t alone today, we were two moms grieving our lost babies together and giving each other comfort. I know I felt them around us. I think she did too.

We had lost all track of time. In this little massage room, the spiritual air was thick, and we definitely left earth for awhile to travel in the spiritual realm. A journey we were happily hijacked on.

As we said our goodbyes, I felt like I needed to hug Johanna. I sheepishly asked if it was okay if I gave her a hug. She hugged me like a long-lost sister, a long, tight embrace that all at once transmitted our shared grief, hope, and deep love for our lost children.

It was incredibly healing.

Got Ink?

“I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly”

P.O.D. “Alive”

Every Time a Cell Phone Rings an Angel Gets His Wings

I have taken some liberties with that famous phrase from “It’s a Wonderful Life” (“Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”). But in fact, something quite close to this happened recently. But let me start from the beginning…

My day began with the “Out of the Darkness Walk” at Jones Beach. This walk is run by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to help those touched by suicide and raise awareness for those at risk. I discussed this organization in a previous post which can be found here.

As I entered the parking lot, I saw monarch butterflies flying around my car. More fluttered around me as I walked to the staging area. Butterflies remind me of Nico.

I began to walk along the boardwalk and noticed people wearing rainbow shirts (rainbows being Nico’s sign that he is around me). The butterflies continued to fly around, but nobody else seemed to notice until we passed a patch of flowers where at least 100 butterflies where collecting on the vibrant, yellow blossoms. There were up to 10 on each plant and it was then that people began to notice them. (I took a picture.)

I wondered if those butterflies might have been the spirits of loved ones lost to suicide. It was almost as if they were participating in the walk with us, flying alongside their beloved family and friends.

At this point, I’d had enough of the crowd and felt the need to go down near the water. My heart was heavy and I needed the beauty and solace of the ocean to soothe my soul.

After the walk, I had plans to attend a memorial service conducted by Cohen Children’s Hospital. This memorial is for children who have passed while being cared for at the hospital. My friends’ son, Chris, was part of this memorial. Readers may recall that I wrote about Chris, who was a childhood friend of my son’s, in a post entitled “The Boys Are Back in Town.” Link to that post here. Since Nico and Chris made an appearance at Chris’s memorial on the Long Beach boardwalk, I was hoping they might be around for this memorial, too.

They did not disappoint.

My first inkling of Nico’s presence came as I stared at one of the crystal chandeliers. The crystals seemed to blink different rainbow colors- green, blue, orange. I saw small sparkling rainbow colors in the crystals around the room. It made me feel peaceful and comforted to know he was there with me.

After seeing the rainbow colors in the chandeliers, I began to look around for other signs of Nico and Chris. An image flashed of the boys hanging out in the bar area (which was closed, unfortunately). Chris was sitting on top of the bar, with his legs over the the front and Nico was standing behind the bar, leaning forward with his arms folded on the counter.

Nico and Chris watched intently from the bar as parents gave tearful testimonials to the hospital and the doctors who had cared for their children. Some had only survived a few weeks or months before succumbing to cancer or other illnesses. The sorrow was palpable… and heavy.

Suddenly, another image flashed before me. It was Nico swinging from a chandelier!

I immediately felt deeply embarrassed – which was silly because of course nobody else could see what I saw. Nevertheless, I indicated to him that it was not appropriate behavior for such a solemn occasion. He responded that it was “too serious.”

This was a common complaint of Nico’s. When I first got Nico’s urn of ashes, I made a little shrine in my living room with a vase of flowers and a picture I had painted of a peaceful cherry grove. Nico communicated to me that this display was “too serious” and that he didn’t approve. I decided to add some little characters from his favorite video game, “Splatoon,” (pictured below). After this modification, he conveyed his approval.

Kids…

Nico also had expressed this opinion during a special Yom Kippur service I attended with my mom. During the solemn prayer ceremony, which honored lost loved ones, my mom leaned into me and whispered, “Nico isn’t here…Too serious,” she remarked, mimicking Nico’s familiar complaint. In his defense, I will say that because he had autism, Nico often felt uncomfortable with emotional displays of any sort, so I guess that is why he sometimes felt things were too serious.

Anyway, during one part of the Cohen’s memorial ceremony, each child’s name is read, and the parents stand up to receive a flower. Chris’ name was coming up soon, when his dad suddenly realized his brand new belt had broken and couldn’t be fastened! “I just bought this!” he said in exasperation, as he fumbled frantically with the buckle. The timing of this potentially embarrassing event was terrible, and I’m sure Wally (Chris’ dad) was picturing himself standing up to receive the flower, while his pants went south in front of a roomful of people. This situation had the earmarks of Chris’ particular brand of humor, and we all felt that he was pranking his father, as he often did when he was alive.

I guess Chris also thought things were getting too serious, because we all cracked up while Wally desperately tried to fix his belt before Chris’s name was read. Chris’ name was finally called and Wally was able to keep his pants up somehow. It lightened up a very difficult moment and changed the mood entirely. But that wasn’t the only sign we got…

A close family friend was also attending the memorial. At the exact moment Chris’ name was read, she received a text from her friend. She said that her daughter was chosen to be an angel in the school Christmas play. (Hmmm, CHRIStmas play.)

So I guess it’s true, every time a cell phone rings, an angel gets its wings!

I need to backtrack a bit here to set up the next sign (yes, there are more!) Wally had met me at the entrance of the catering hall where the memorial was being held. As we walked to the room where the memorial was, he told me there was a social worker at the the hospital who had helped his family when Chris was ill and he was going to be speaking at the ceremony. He told this gentleman of my loss and asked him to come over to meet me after the ceremony.

During the ceremony Wally, who is a volunteer firefighter, got a call on his firefighter’s radio. He turned the volume down and put it to his ear to listen. When he put the radio down he had a strange look on his face. “That was a call for a fire at the Rainbow Family Center,” he said, dumbfounded, knowing that Nico’s sign was rainbows. He pointed out to me that this call came in as the social worker he wanted me to meet was speaking at the ceremony.

It was quite a day!

Epilogue

Sometimes I work on my blog posts in a notebook, whenever I have a little free time. I currently work in an elementary school and while the children eat lunch I sometimes have an opportunity to write. As I was working on this very post, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” began playing over the speakers in the school lunchroom. What made it special, and a clear sign from my son, was that it was the same acoustic version played at Chris’ memorial ceremony on the Long Beach boardwalk . I had never heard that song played in the lunchroom before (they usually play instrumental music).

I thought, “I guess Chris and Nico are here with me right now. Love you, boys!” (And I get a flash of Nico and Chris fist bumping because I get it.)

It’s So Hard To Be Without You

“It broke my soul in a zillion pieces writing this,” wrote Adams in his Instagram post announcing the song. “This record mattered more to me than any record before it and my life depended on making it. I would have died inside if I hadn’t.”

Click here to listen to the song. Although it’s about a breakup, I find it speaks to me of my loss(es) as well. My heart breaks each time I hear it…

It’s So Hard To Be Without You

Ryan Adams

It’s so hard to be without you
Lying in the bed, you are so much to be without
Rattles in my head that empty drum filled with doubt
Everything you lose, the wisdom will find its way out
Every night is lonesome and is longer than before
Nothing really matters anymore

It’s so hard to be without you
Used to feel so angry and now only I feel humble
Stinging from the storm inside my ribs where it thunders
Nothing left to say or really even wonder
We are like a book and every page is so torn
Nothing really matters anymore

It’s so hard not to call you
Thunder’s in my bones out in the streets where I first saw you
When everything was new and colorful, it’s gotten darker
Every day’s a lesson, things were brighter before
Nothing really matters anymore

It’s so hard to be without you
Everyday I find another little thread of silver
Waiting for me when I wake some place on the pillow
And then I see the empty space beside me and remember
I feel empty, I feel tired, I feel worn
Nothing really matters anymore

Throw Off Your Mental Chains

The title of today’s post comes from a Howard Jones tune called “New Song.”

I have loved this song since I was an 80’s chick, (yes, I was an 80’s chick, see?)

But after Nico died it took on a whole new meaning. It was one of those familiar songs that suddenly sounded different, almost 3-D. The lyrics seemed laser focused on me, like a direct communication from the spirit world.

Additionally, the lyric “A new song for me to sing” is from P.O.D’s “Alive,” which I wrote about in the post “Songs and Signs.” Click here to read that post. “Alive” was playing as I drove away from the morgue, and it felt like my son joking around with me, the irony was ridiculous. But as I listened to the lyrics I realized that my son was saying he was okay, and in fact, felt alive for the very first time (in his spiritual form).

The song is significant because I believe it is a message from my son that death is not the ending we think it is. It is not final. I can’t say exactly what happens but I know the soul lives on. That seems to be the message of the song. Check out the lyrics:

“New Song” by Howard Jones

I’ve been waiting for so long
To come here now and sing this song
Don’t be fooled by what you see
Don’t be fooled by what you hear

This is a song to all of my friends
They take the challenge to their hearts
Challenging preconceived ideas
Saying goodbye to long standing fears

Don’t crack up
Bend your brain
See both sides
Throw off your mental chains

I don’t wanna be hip and cool
I don’t wanna play by the rules
Not under the thumb of the cynical few
Or laden down by the doom crew

Don’t crack up
Bend your brain
See both sides
Throw off your mental chains

I’ve been waiting for so long
To come here now and sing this song
Don’t be fooled by what you see
Don’t be fooled by what you hear

This is a song to all of my friends
They take the challenge to their hearts
Challenging preconceived ideas
Saying goodbye to long standing fears

Don’t crack up
Bend your brain
See both sides
Throw off your mental chains

**************************

I’m going to take the song a few lines at a time to show the meaning it has to me.

I’ve been waiting for so long

To come here now and sing this song.

The first two lines seem to be saying my son has been waiting to go to the spiritual world, and tell me about what is happening to him.

“Don’t be fooled by what you see,” makes me think of the last time I saw him, at the funeral home, unable to leave his side. That is, until I heard a Nico’s voice in my head telling me he wasn’t in there (his body) anymore. In fact, he said he was “over here,” and I sensed his voice coming from the rear of the viewing room. “I’m not in there anymore, mom.” “Don’t be fooled by what you hear,” means don’t believe I’m dead and that’s the end of me.

“This is a song to all of my friends
They take the challenge to their hearts
Challenging preconceived ideas
Saying goodbye to long standing fears”

These lines are about challenging my ideas about life and death, and believing that the soul lives on in the spiritual realm after death. It also tells me to let go of my fears about death and losing loved ones.

Don’t crack up
Bend your brain
See both sides
Throw off your mental chains

These lines continue the idea of “challenging preconceived ideas,” by pushing my thoughts in a new direction, while also telling me everything is okay and not to be consumed with sorrow over Nico’s death. (“Don’t crack up”). “See both sides,” is about realizing there is a physical world here on earth and a spiritual realm, too. My favorite line is the last one, imploring me to unchain my mind from the limits I put on it so I can connect more fully with the spiritual world…to think outside the box.

I don’t wanna be hip and cool
I don’t wanna play by the rules
Not under the thumb of the cynical few
Or laden down by the doom crew

The first two lines sound like my son, he didn’t care about what other people thought and he tended to live by his own rules, which wasn’t always a good thing. The last two lines are about not allowing myself to be brought down by cynical people who don’t believe in the spiritual realm or people overly focused on death and loss.

I wonder if any readers out there have had a similar experience, where a song took on new meaning or felt like a communication from a loved one. Please feel free to share your experiences in the comments section, I’d love to read them!

The Boys Are Back In Town

Continue reading “The Boys Are Back In Town”

Science Meets Spiritualism

A view of the Milky Way during the Perseid Meteor Shower. Also in space: a satellite where scientists are producing entangled photons and beaming them back to Earth. (Daniel Reinhardt/EPA)

I tend to be a very logical person and a scientist at heart. I guess that’s why it’s difficult for me to fully embrace my son in his spiritual form. It just doesn’t seem logical. But then again, science and logic are based on the physical world, not the spiritual world.

But there are some principles of science that seem to support the existence of life after death:

The Law of Conservation of Mass posits that matter is neither created nor destroyed.
The Law of Conservation of Energy (First Law of Thermodynamics): posits that energy is neither created nor destroyed.
Einstein’s equation E = mc² proposes that the total amount of mass and energy in the universe is constant. This represents the combination of the two prior laws about energy and matter.

To me this is scientific support for life after death. We all possess life energy and a physical existence. While our bodies return to their earthly roots after death, the soul lives on. It has to. It’s pure energy.

My son has communicated to me that he is “pure energy” now and Angela Dawn in her book “Love Never Dies,” also discusses how her deceased mother and sister communicated to her that they are pure energy.

Now science has possibly given further proof of the connection between souls with the theory of “quantum entanglement.” Albert Einstein called it, “spooky action at a distance,” which doesn’t sound very scientific and in fact, sounds quite other-worldly. Yet who could be more respected in science than Albert Einstein? Read Washington Post article here, about quantum entanglement and a recent, groundbreaking experiment conducted in space.

Simply put, quantum entanglement is a phenomenon where two particles mirror each other no matter what distance is between them. What happens to one, is mirrored in the other. This sounds a lot like the concept of soul mates and soul families. We are connected to souls of our loved ones (and maybe even strangers), regardless of the distance. We sense them and sometimes even feel what is happening to them.

Another great article “Can Science Explain the Soul?” by Deepak Chopra (with Stuart Hameroff) connects the dots between quantum physics and the existence of the soul. Read the article here. It gets a little technical, but you can scroll down to the end of the article for the take-home message about how concepts in quantum physics (and the new field of quantum biology) can be used to argue for the existence of the soul and conscious thought. (Who knew??)

It seems that the laws of quantum physics apply in many ways to consciousness and the concept that souls unite as one after death. They become linked to the vast sea of souls in the spiritual world, a collective that works together.

Angela Dawn discusses this concept this in her book; that while her sister and mother retained some of their individual souls, they also were part of a greater collection of united souls, working together to help the universe.

I love it when science and spirituality come together. One day, I believe science will prove the existence of the spiritual world and that the souls of our loved ones live on.

Songs Reaching Out From the Radio

Sometimes a song I’ve heard forever takes on new meaning. I know I’m receiving some kind of sign when the music sounds different to me, like it’s reaching out from the radio to touch me. The energy changes and I become alert to the lyrics. This most often happens in my car although it has happened in other places.

I’ve already written about P.O.D.’s “Alive.” Click here if you’d like to read that post (Songs and Signs).

For example, the song “Photograph” by Ed Sheeran took on special meaning one day when I heard some lyrics I had never heard before (in green italics):

Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it’s the only thing that I know (know)
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya
And it’s the only thing we take with us when we die

It felt like my son talking to me, saying it would get easier and that his love for me did not die. This song had been out for a quite a while but I had never heard those particular lyrics before.

When my son died I posted a bunch of meaningful songs on my Facebook page. They often were love songs, lamenting love lost, but were so relevant to what I was feeling.

I guess loss is loss, no matter how it occurs.

The lyrics to several of these songs follow the end of this post. Some of these songs spoke of our new spiritual connection, and the necessity for me to embrace Nico’s spiritual form, and let go of his physical form and my old beliefs about death being so final.

If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin

-Queensryche “Silent Lucidity”

This song, by The Fixx spoke to me of our spiritual connection and the lives we will share in the future.

We are passengers in time
Lost in motion, locked together
Day and night, by trick of light
But I must take another journey
We must meet with other names
If you hold me you will hurt me
Be brave

-Secret Separation by The Fixx

One particularly poignant song was “Gone” by Jr.Jr. It seemed to capture my son’s fears of not being able to succeed in his life and his ambivalence about leaving this world.

“Gone”
I’ve made up my mind over and over
Keep pressing rewind but I’m getting older
Tried every door, don’t know who I’m looking for
And I’ve made up my mind over and over

I can’t be everything you want me to be
I can’t be everything you want me to be
Finally, I can see the light through the leaves
But it’s all gone
But it’s all gone

What comes from the ground now is returning
It’s all the same sound and my ears are burning
In some strange home, don’t know who I’m working for
I’ve made up my mind over and over

I can’t be everything you want me to be
I can’t be everything you want me to be
Finally, I can see the light through the leaves
But it’s all gone
But it’s all gone

Over and over, over and over
Over and over, over and over

I can’t be everything you want me to be
I can’t be everything you want me to be
Finally, I can see the light through the leaves
But it’s all gone
But it’s all gone
But it’s all gone

Perhaps the most heartbreaking and personal song was by Ruth B. She seemed to capture my son’s sadness about feeling isolated, misunderstood, and “lost” and his hope about perhaps finding a place where he belonged. These were feelings he did not express verbally, but were apparent, especially after his death.

“Lost Boy” by Ruth B.

There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too

Then one night, as I closed my eyes,
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, “Peter Pan. That’s what they call me.
I promise that you’ll never be lonely.”
And ever since that day…

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we’re bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
“Run, run, lost boy,” they say to me,
“Away from all of reality.”

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
Believe in him and believe in me
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green
To your beautiful destiny
As we soared above the town that never loved me
I realized I finally had a family
Soon enough we reached Neverland
Peacefully my feet hit the sand
And ever since that day…

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Wendy Darling,
Even Captain Hook.
You are my perfect story book
Neverland, I love you so,
You are now my home sweet home
Forever a lost boy at last

And for always I will say…

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free.

____________________________________________

Queensryche “Silent Lucidity”

Hush now, don’t you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over… or has it just begun?There’s a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn’t realize and you were scared
It’s a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimensionI- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity[spoken during solo]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How are we feeling today, better??)
(Dream control, dream control)
(Help me)If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You’re safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide but…I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you….

“Secret Separation” by The Fixx

We are passengers in time
Lost in motion, locked together
Day and night, by trick of light
But I must take another journey
We must meet with other names
We must meet with other names

You touched my heart so deeply
You rescued me now free me
Don’t watch me cry just see me go
I’ll take away the strongest feelings
You will ever know

There will be no more isolation
In our secret separation
You touched my heart so deeply, you rescued me
Now free meWe are passengers in time
Lost in motion, locked together
Day and night, by trick of light
But I must take another journey
We must meet with other names
If you hold me you will hurt me
Be braveThere will be no more isolation
In our secret separation
You touched my heart so deeply, you rescued me
Now free meWe are matching spark and flame
Caught in endless repetition
Life for life we’ll be the same
I must leave before you burn me
I am the stranger who deserts you only to love you
In another lifeThere will be no more isolation
In our secret separation
You touched my heart so deeply, you rescued me
Now free meI’ll bear one precious scar that only you will know
Passengers in time, free me
[repeat x5]

Songs and Signs

I have always felt a strong connection to music. Frequently, songs come on the radio at meaningful times and it feels like someone is sending me a message or thinking of me.

The day my son died, I had such an experience.

I somehow managed to drive myself to the coroner’s office, which was about 20 minutes away. I was in a state of shock (sometimes I feel like I still am) and everything felt surreal. I remember walking around looking for the coroner’s building, which was part of a huge hospital compound. As I walked around outside, I felt the wind blow so hard that I thought I might fall over. I immediately thought of my son. Was trying to embrace me, or perhaps hold me up?

I finally found the coroner’s office. They were expecting me. I identified my son and my close friend met me to support me. I was still in a daze, not able to fully comprehend that my son was dead. We decided to get something to eat – I realized I hadn’t eaten all day. As I got into my car, a song by the group P.O.D was on the radio. The first thing I heard was the chorus:

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

I guess that was the first time my son tried to get through to me. I remember rolling my eyes and thinking sarcastically, “Very funny, Nico.” It was ridiculously ironic-I had just identified my son’s body at the morgue, and here he was telling me he was “so alive, for the very first time.”

However, I must admit that this made sense. I longed to connect with my son in the hours immediately following his death. When I tried, I got the sense he was so much happier now and relieved from his struggles on earth.

While researching the band for this post, I learned that P.O.D is a Christian rock band (I didn’t know this when I heard the song that day). The letters stand for Payable On Death. According to the band, this refers to the Christian belief that Jesus took on our sins when he died.

Here are the full lyrics.

Alive

P.O.D.

Everyday is a new day
I’m thankful for every breath I take
I won’t take it for granted
So I learn from my mistakes

It’s beyond my control, sometimes it’s best to let go
Whatever happens in this lifetime
So I trust in love
You have given me peace of mind

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Sunshine upon my face
A new song for me to sing
Tell the world how I feel inside
Even though it might cost me everything

Now that I know this, so beyond, I can’t hold this
I can never turn my back away
Now that I’ve seen you
I can never look away

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away)
Now that I see you (I could never look away)
Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away)
Now that I see you (I believe no matter what they say)

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Songwriters: Marcos Curiel / Mark Daniels / Noah Bernardo / Paul Sandoval

Was Nico surprised to find his soul lived on? Was that what he was trying to tell me in this song? It seemed like he was saying that he had found a new existence and was happy and free.

The song brought me comfort at a very difficult time, because it felt like my son speaking to me, telling me he was starting a new, beautiful life.